Matter and Anti-matter

Confusion – what an utter disarray of an emotion! This is the emotion I’m associating myself with today – absolute, utter confusion. I don’t know when I walk forward, whether I’m traveling forward or backward. When I turn to look behind me, am I leaving my destination or my origin? All paths to the sides of me seem equally tempting, but off the goal path…which way is the right way to go and where on earth am I going, anyway?? It’s like being lost in an unfamiliar city in the fog, but a city I should be more familiar with. Each image seems almost familiar, but yet, not and the fog hides each detail so every sight looks the same, even though I know it isn’t the same as the last. I’m lost in a dream land.

This is also how I view my depression. When depression and anxiety come, in such a wave of intensity, I can't tell the difference between a rational and an irrational thought. They all seem equally valid, logical, and important enough to require immediate action...but since all thoughts are fleeting, flying, and spinning, they are all out of reach, unable to be inspected and action comes as illogically as the thoughts do. The net effect is complete confusion. Which thought was the logical one? I'm not even sure, myself. Which action was the logical one? Well, at least actions have effects and the answer is sure to follow, once action has been taken.

Depression hits with no warning and it consumes me completely with fog. In this fog comes confusion, since I feel my emotions are like my movements in the dark...bumping into furniture and walls and leaving a stinging bruise because I couldn't see where I am going. And, in the dark, I can't see where to go to next...I just keep continuing forward, albeit cautiously, but without direction so, inevitably, I bump into something again and bruise myself...like living in anti-matter, but in constant (and unintentional) contact with matter as I hurt myself on it.

How ironic that my last post was on happiness, and this one on the opposite side of the spectrum - depression...Depression is feeling broken - I feel like the posted picture - cut in pieces without the glue holding all the pieces together. I now know that depression does not equal sadness. Depression is completely different - depression is confusion in the dark...the effect of being matter, and crashing into matter, but living in anti-matter.