It's been a very long time since I've visited this old site. What a thrill to write to the world again. Like slipping in an old, familiar pair of jeans - writing to this site is an outlet of comfort for me. I only miss it when I'm healthy, though.
Bipolar - the word was used multiple times by my doctor, my therapist...from before I even visited my doctor, I noticed my ups and downs seemed a little extreme, a little pathological...I knew it was there, but it was so hard to hear that what I feared was true.
As I read about bipolar mood disorder, I imagined it with a lesser intensity. Everyone gets depressed, talks about being depressed and depression seems so mainstream compared to (ooo...yikes!) bipolar, but it's very simple... there's UNIPOLAR depression and BIPOLAR...well, I'm the bipolar type (type II, if you want to be technical). But, when I'm well, I feel a sense of peace about it...as if I understand myself for the first time.
Of course, that's when I'm well. This medication - whew, it only seems to work sometimes and when it doesn't work I'm not well...not well at all. The mind - what a crazy labyrinth of emotion and thought. When I'm unwell, I lose my self control...as if I'm watching myself make mistakes from outside but can do nothing about it but curse myself after. When I'm unwell I think of myself as scum, grit, dirt, and any of a wide array of worthless, despised garbage. Last week, I could not send out the thought from my head "I am a waste of space"!!
The picture of the pie - this is what the "up" is like. It's from Thanksgiving - I couldn't decide on which piece of pie to try, so I had to have a slice of every one. Of course, afterward I felt the physical effects on the bowels of too much pie, and guilt from too many calories. That's exactly what bipolar type II is like - TOO MUCH PIE!!!!!
I'll just keep telling myself "jump tomorrow" - tomorrow everything will be different...and it always is!
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